A guy commented on my facebook profile picture ‘cute!’ with smiley faces and I haven’t talked to him in 10 years, what is the point exactly
He has now proceeded to like every one of my profile pictures and this is turning a bizzare twist. It’s still been 10 years, maybe even 11, since we’ve even remotly looked at each other
One thing that doesn’t help was groing up in an environment where I was never Ana, i was my brother’s sister. My dentist’s office is a huge pain in the ass because the owners know my entire family since before I was born. My dentist was actually my brother’s colleague in middle school and my dental hygienist was my colleague. Throughout my 9 years in private school, because my brother was also a (rather notorious) student there, I was never Ana, I was my brother’s sister. My brother was a brilliant student and when it comes to numbers he’s close to a genius. He was the best math student in his year. Turns out I suck at math and actually almost failed several times. So my teachers took comfort in constantly reminding me that I was the sister of someone brilliant. Only one teacher (my protuguese teacher who actually cared about the fact that I could write) gave me credit for my other ‘talents’ - I might have sucked at math, but I was good in the arts and languages. The rest kept telling my mom in parent-teaching reunions not what type of student I was, but what type of student I wasn’t - I wasn’t my brother.
I honestly think that fucking private school convinced themselves that I am fucking dumb because I am not my brother. Whenever I come across someone in the streets who knows my family, they don’t waste time in coaxing my brother. And it’s exactly the same at that dentist’s office. My dentist, who has known my brother for like 20 years, doesn’t waste time praising him. The last appointment I had, it was an intern that did the thing, which was really like fresh air since at least I wouldn’t have to lay in there listening to his bullshit praising my perfect brother. Well I was wrong. He walks in and suddenly tells the intern “Ana’s brother is a really important man who is chief of most banks in Germany and will solve our crisis”. Which is bullshit, my brother is chief of a staff of like 7 people and he can’t go any higher, and he works in one bank at the german city where there are a thousend banks and he has nothing to do with the rest. And he’s been obsessed with the idea that my brother is going to solve the financial crisis when I’m the one who has to suck up listening to him say people diserve to be poor (and there I am thinking to myself, for the greater good, let’s hope he doesn’t solve any crisis, because it’s going to fuck many people up).
Now, do you know how people see me in these situations? The pretty one. Every time I walk into that office, my brother is the intelligent one and I’m the pretty one. Every doctor that has known me for a long time comes up to me and asks how my brother is, only to say “I remember him, he’s so smart, but look at you, you’re prettier by the day”. Every person I come across in my life assumes that my brother is the genius and I’m the pretty one.
I’m the pretty one and my brother is the smart one (when I never even was the pretty one, most juts make a huge effort in using the word ‘pretty’, and my dentist suggested I’d have plastic surgery, so you see where the idea is headed. I have to be the pretty one because apparently there’s already a smart one in the family). Now let me tell you about the time my dentist tried talking about art: fucking dumb as hell.
I love my town but I need to get out of here. It’s like no one allows me to have an identity. As long as I stay here, I’ll never be Ana, I’ll be my brother’s sister.
For all your post-apocalyptic Resident Evil world, LotR travelling to Mordor, and Assassin Creed needs.
the first and the second are so stunning.
The Cup of Knowledge by Lilla Cabot Perry c.1905
pipoca-the-cat replied to your post “In a perfect world, years from now, my mom will regret having treated…”
I’m so sorry. What happened now? Is there anyway someone can talk o your mother and tell her she’s treatinh you unfairly?
My house is being taken over by this ‘stranger’. I have wrapped my head into questioning why wouldn’t they tell me things, like why haven’t they told me they bought a new house and why have they invited everyone over there except me (they still think I don’t know and don’t seem too keen on telling me). Why does my mother play along with this. Why do they do this when none of them, not one, attended my graduation that was so important to me, even though I invited them all, I asked them to come. And to have asked was such a huge step because I knew they weren’t gonna come and I wanted to avoid that, I wanted to avoid confronting myself with yet another denial.
The only person I can trust that may knock some sense in my mother’s head would be my godmother, but my sister-in-law is isolating mymother un purpose. It’s like she’s jealous of my mother’s friends. She is manipulating her into leaving everyone, including me, her own daughter, and my godmother, who has been her friend for more than 30 years, who gave her shoulder to cry for years when my mom when through a (rather tough) divorce.
She’s letting go of everyone for this woman who is an oportunist and doing everything to isolate her from everyone around her. I can’t honestly feel anyway more towards her except hating her so much
And then every little thing sets me off. To see my mom do the things she never did with me, but with her, is painful. And I have to see it every day. She never took me shopping unless I begged her and it was hell. She’d keep complaining about my choices and how long I took. Eventually I stopped asking my mom and at 14 was shopping alone. Every time I asked her to do something with me, something that of course I can do alone, but asked merely for her company, she would complain that she ‘has too much to do to worry about it’ and never come with me. Never. Now my sister-in-law takes my mom shopping for 4 hours. And my mom does it smiling, happy, rather entertained. I have never seen her do this. All my life I was isolated by this woman who refused to let me have a life of my own, until I had to break free and grow up alone (and that is so hard as a woman), because she refused to be there with me. And now, all the things I dreamt of a mother doing with me, and that she always refused, she’s doing them with this woman… A women who has been in her life for 7 years.
I am absolutely nothing to them. It’s like I am a child that needs constant protection and orientation. Like none of them can accept that I have a personality of my own, preferences and make my own choices. So they just let me close myself in my room like I am not worthy of their company or their lives at all. I suspect that if I left the house and didn’t come back for two days, my mom wouldn’t notice. Neither would my sister-in-law or my brother.
None of them know me, not a single thing about me, they never bothered to listen, to pay attention, to try and reach me, they just expect I become whatever fits their needs and demands, which I refuse. I have value on my own, but in this house, I don’t have any. I’m a rebel because I refuse to be what others want me to be. So when this situation comes around and I’m constantly feeling trapped, frustrated, depressed… they just see it as an ‘overreaction’ and a pain in the ass.
I’m sorry it got so long, I started going at it and before I noticed I couldn’t stop…
Thank you, so much. I promise I won’t forget <3
In a perfect world, years from now, my mom will regret having treated me the way she did and chosing an oportunist woman over her own daughter
The Lost Desert Libraries of Chinguetti
Chinguetti is probably the last place on Earth you would look for a library of rare books, but there are about 6,000 intact (for the most part) rare 9th century books behind those clay walls.